Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Sucky Dreams

I know I wasn't the only one to have bad dreams last night but this one really got to me.

The short version is that both Jeff and I were still in college and I murdered Jeff by drugging him and drowning him in watery mud. It was very detailed in how I prepared to murder him and the struggle with him and the fact that his body floated like cork. Afterwards, I prepared my alibi, got rid of the evidence and thought about how I could make it seem like I was insane if I was charged. I remember the distinct thought of "Now Jeff and I will never be married." I was terribly sad when I thought it. I know that wasn't the reason I killed him. I don't know why I did.

I woke up half crying. I debated about waking up Jeff but he and I have had a couple conversations about waking each other up when we have bad dreams. So I did. I apologized as I told him about the dream. He reassured me and it was OK and held me until the alarm went off. But man, did that suck.

The only thing I can think of is that I'm having an anxiety attack about selling my condo (it's still not ready and was supposed to be done a week ago) and I'm afraid that I'm going to drag him down with me? Or maybe that he won't love me anymore or feel used? Or something dumb like that. I don't know.

You married types out there... did you have anxiety dreams before you got married?


( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:07 pm (UTC)
YES, I had tons of anxiety dreams. Most of them were him cheating on me because I wasn't good enough for him, or the like, though.
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:15 pm (UTC)
Well, nothing where I KILLED him, but then I don't write about killing people once a week either, so I'm not too worried about your real-life mental state. *hug* I did have anxiety dreams about us fighting, or not understanding each other, or being furious or sobbing. And in fact, I still do. But they're rare, and they also happen with my parents instead of Jeff, or dear friends. It's usually tied (near as I can tell) to just what you said: my anxiety levels about major changes, or feeling out of control of my life. House buying and selling totally qualifies. :P

(I also had one really bad dream where Jeff was possessed by a demon and I couldn't save him, if that's any comfort. We all have our metaphors.)
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
I agree with Dierdre. You spend a lot of time thinking about murder and how to get away with it, so it's not surprising it seeps into your dreams. They're like teller dreams, that's all.

I don't recall any anxiety dreams but I also wasn't much good at remembering my dreams at that point ...
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:45 pm (UTC)
Oh, god, I had a HORRIBLE dream about Sargon last night. I immediately fled into the big bedroom and flung myself on him.

I actually had a lot of scary dreams right AFTER I got married, like once I'd made the plunge, it all sank in. It passed pretty quickly though.


That sounds like a truly unpleasant dream. Ugh. I'm so sorry.
Jan. 7th, 2008 08:17 pm (UTC)
I used to have conscious hallucinations of doing severe bodily harm to John. They scared the crap out of me, but those episodes passed within a year of them starting, and this was well over a decade ago. We'll be having our 18th wedding anniversary next March :)
Jan. 7th, 2008 08:19 pm (UTC)
You married types out there... did you have anxiety dreams before you got married?

Well, yes. But I was also just barely 21, trying my damnedest to graduate college (senior thesis and I needed to actually pass a couple of classes to graduate), planning a wedding, planning a move to somewhere (we actually didn't know exactly where until about 3 months before we did it) and all the crazy transition stuff you do when you're about to graduate from college. So I was super stressed and a few bad dreams probably were normal.

However, I think that the type of dreams I had when I was pregnant with my first kiddo probably are more like what you might be experiencing now. It was a huge change, yes, but it was a welcomed change logically. And the rest of my life was pretty calm (unlike when I was getting married when it was all chaos) so it was probably related to that specific anxiety. Change is scary, even for adventurous types. I think it's perfectly reasonable that you'd have a nightmare or two about that change. Too bad our dreaming selves don't listen to the reason and logic of our awake selves, eh?
Jan. 7th, 2008 08:29 pm (UTC)
No. Maybe. I guess it matters by perspective. I've killed in dreams, and been killed. But it never shakes me up when I'm waking up. So, I really don't consider them anxiety dreams, or that I've had nightmares. (The very worst was when I failed to kill something that was trying to kill me, as it was already a ghost creature.)

Also, they didn't manifest near my wedding date. My life, at that time, was a blurr to begin with, and everything I was doing during the day remains more lucid than what I dreamt of at night. And the extra night job didn't help. Nor the alcohol poisoning at my bachelor's party. The pregnancy. The move. I could go on.

The fact that you are worried about these things during the day is probably more significant than how they appear in your dreams at night. As you take care of them in reality, they will have less importance in the nightrealm. They are mere representations of things as your semi-consciousness can mash them up into some vague understanding that your daytime awareness can't fully grasp.

I wish you well.

Jan. 7th, 2008 08:48 pm (UTC)

Yes, I had dreams that sent my heart pounding, not of killing him, but losing him, being rejected, or being hurt by him. My biggest fear was not knowing where I stood, or knowing who I am. I was 19 when I was married. What helped me? The reassurance of fullcontactmuse always telling me that he didn’t' feel "x" way, and that he would never do "x". Talking through it, being held, all helped.
Jan. 7th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
I have anxiety dreams about everything under the sun, but oddly not really about Robert. But you know what? I don't think dreams are meaningful unless they resonate with "awake you" as meaningful.
Jan. 8th, 2008 01:18 pm (UTC)
You've had too many things on your mind - but chief amoungst them were horror writing and getting your life toghether with your sweety. Now in dreamtime, images plow together unbidden. Pethaps if you were writing about historical fiction, he'd be a Civil War general...
Weird terros used to come to me when I wrote too much horror stuff.. At first, I would usually say "Neat" and use it (Had my best stuff that way), but then I would just get depressed if it continued and I had to switch to some other creative outlet for a while. That's all...Freaky Friday fiction jumbled up with your man in dreamtiime. If it occurs again...take a break on terror and write some "bad guy gets it" for the week.

Jan. 8th, 2008 02:35 pm (UTC)
It's pretty normal to freak out on some level, especially with all you've got going on. Take a look: Selling a condo, moving, moving in with someone else, getting married, coming off your yearlong writing sabbatical and that's just the ones I can come up with off the top of my head. Throw in a penchant for the odd and horrific, and no wonder you're having bad dreams.

Shoot. I was still freaking out during my wedding. I saw my wife crying (she'd gotten sight of one of her aunts weeping and it set her off), and I was just certain she was going to get up there and tell me she couldn't go through with it.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )