June 25, 2007
Hitting this Milestone like a Brick Wall
I'm ending the sixth month of my writing year and I've hit a milestone I had hoped not to hit ever again in my life. I paid bills this morning and, for the first time since I started living a debt-free lifestyle (no debts except house and car payments), I had to look at the last two bills on my desk, look at when they were each due and make the choice of which one I would pay right now and which one I would pay when next month's money comes in.
For those of you who have known me for years and years, you know what this is doing to me. The money is there and I could have it kick in now, six days early but I cannot - not if I'm going to live by the rules I set for myself for this Writing Year. Discipline is key for me for this year; both productivity-wise and financially. I must remain disciplined to succeed. If I break one rule now, it could become that pebble that breaks all of the rest. So, I'm not kicking in that money early but it is killing me inside. My inner miser is alternating between emo mode and rant mode.
I actually looked at my list of people I have loaned money to in the past to see if I could ask any of them if they could start paying me back. However, looking at that list, not a single one of them is in any better shape than when I originally loaned them that money in the first place. Some are in worse shape.
To make matters worse, a friend is in need of financial help and I had started off the morning paying my bills so I could determine how much I could send to them to help out. It hurts bad that I have discovered that I cannot afford to send them anything at all. Part of me keeps thinking that they were counting on me. Part of me is hoping that they weren't. But, I'm the friend that people know they can turn to. Even though they did not specifically ask me for help personally, I feel like I'm letting them down anyway.
I'm having a really hard time with this. On top of it all, I want to shower my SO with baubles and nice dinners and trips and flowers and gifts - none of which I can really do in the manner I would like. Thus, I've been showing my affection and admiration in all of the little ways I can - supporting him with his dance stuff, helping him out, giving him massages and other little things like that. These are things I would do anyway but I wish I could do more.
All of this is making me want to give up the rest of my Writing Year and go back to work as an engineer. It would be the safer, more financially comfortable way. But, the creative me is railing at the idea of this. "You promised me a year. A whole year!" I knew this Writing Year would not be easy. I knew I would have money constraints. I knew all of this but I forgot what the emotional impact on me would be.
So, now, I remember it all. I remember what it was like to have to ask my mom to help buy me groceries. I never asked my parents for money but I did have to ask for help. I remember what it was like to work overtime at SEGA because I needed the money and because whenever I did, they would feed me. I would get the largest TOGO's sandwich (like all of the guys would) but I would only eat half of it because I wanted to be able to meat at home. I remember the hard parts and making choices between wants and needs.
I have not had to do any of that in years and I'm rebelling against the very idea of it. I'm trying to reassure myself that everything will be OK. Logically, I know it will be. I will not be poor forever. I will not struggle for the rest of my life. It will be fine. Emotionally, I'm running around in circles in a panic. So, I'm writing my demons of insecurity out here and hoping by talking about it, they will settle down. That my inner miser will realize that it will all be OK. Honestly.
Once this Writing Year is over, I will have at least three "get out of jail (debt) free" cards I can play. I know this. I just have to hold onto my confidence for a few more months more and give myself the time I promised to me. I can do that. I have to do that. Otherwise I will be resentful of myself and my cowardice for the rest of my life.
Tarot Card for the Day: World, Inverted