Eight years ago I started this online journal. Six years ago I claimed August 1st as my own personal New Years Day. I'm not sure why, but August has always been a time of change for me. For good or ill. I received my discharge papers from the Air Force in August. I bought my house in August. I've published the first of my stories in August. I've started diets and ended diets in August. I've made promised to myself and others. For me, this day is a turning day for a month of change. Going from one phase of my life to another. August is my own mental Borderlands.
I look at my life, where I want to go and I see it symbolized by the three candles lit behind me. One is for protection and courage. One is for clarity and creativity. One is for love. These are things I want in my life. I have not figured out what I will do to get there but I have all month. August is my time of change.
I've been told that today is also know as Lughnasadh - a cross-quarter day, the point between summer solstice and fall equinox. In paganism it's got a few names: Lughnasadh (Irish for the Feast of Lugh) and Lammas (Mass of Lam/Lugh) are the most common.
In truth, I have and have not thought about my own personal evolution. Usually, I like to do it in an orderly fashion. I like to list it out and make neat checkboxes. Not so this year. I think a lot of it has to do with the early frenetic planning I needed to do for my Writing Year. That will be one of the biggest changes in my life. It is not "scheduled" to commence for another 5 months or so but it will happen. I think, this month I will need to nail down a few more details about that Writing Year and the prep work I can do for it now.
This prep work is going to have to involve some of that material purging I keep threatening to do. Otherwise, I'm going to end up throw everything out without consideration or nothing at all and honor my inner packrat. I don't want to do either. I want to make a clean break with some things - in particular, my favorite fat clothing and my too tiny t-shirts.
I have to admit that I've been feel very disconnect to things for the past couple of days. I haven't wanted to do anything but read. I've stalled on my writing because... I don't know why. I just have. The only gaming I really want to do is the two LARPs I'm currently in. I don't know if that's because I can escape into those characters more easily or what.
I'm mentally wrestling with and anticipating (dreading?) Gen Con. Part of me is hoping I'm going to come back from there with a signed contract for my next big project for Sovereign Press. If it is what I think it is, it will solidify my transition into my Writing Year. Make it that much more real. At the same time, I could return from Gen Con with nothing but the lint in my pockets and a few pretty words. I don't think that's what will happen but it might.
This seems to be the crux of my weirdness right now. I know I'm in transition. I am eagerly looking forward to it but also completely terrified of it. Is it because this part of it I can't control? I'm not in control? Maybe, it's because a large contract from Sovereign Press would "legitimize" me following my dreams. I am going to take my Writing Year. I've planned for it. But, maybe I still need some sort of 'permission' or 'proof' that I'm not just pulling wishful thinking move.
Though, at the same time, I am. I have two novels to write but no agent or publisher. But, I really don't care about that. The Writing Year is for writing and nothing else. I think, maybe I just can't believe I'm going to do something this big for me. Maybe that's the real reason I'm disconnecting. What a silly thing it would be, too.
I suppose I should stop worrying at it. What will be will be. I will have a good time at Gen Con. I'm sure of it. It will be a transition point of some sort. I don't know what, yet. After that, I will have a couple of weeks until Conquest and my CA road trip. I have some friends who will be able smack me upside the head with a clue-by-four. That will help a lot. I'm spinning my wheels anticipating a future I don't have complete control over. It's making me crazy.
Welcome to my Borderlands. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Tarot Card for the Day: The Empress, Inverted