Mom: "Definitely a modern day horror story, but one that kept me reading. It was a fast 13 pages! I like it. I would look for other things to read by this author if I were in a library or book store." Then, she launched into the critiques.
Jim: "Overall, an A for me! I really enjoyed it; it was fresh and original and a [censored for spoilers] was a great twist!" He also had some good suggestions.
I'm going to wait for a couple more critiques, polish, then send it off to markdeniz by this next weekend.