Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,
Jennifer
gaaneden

Updated...

Abstract Thoughts has been updated with Facing Fears - which is about traveling, fears, kittens and crushes.

July 10
Facing Fears

I turned around and July is a third over. I want to know how I could have missed it starting up. Oh, yeah. I was on a plane, and then in CA for that weekend for Casey and Mary's wedding – which was, in a word, perfect. Perfect for them. Their personal vows to each other made me all weepy. I don't think I've ever gotten weepy at a wedding before.

While there, I unexpectedly saw some friends I had not seen in years. Saturday morning, I walked down to the Starbucks for my morning mocha and shocked the hell out of Rob and Lisa who were leaving there for Oz-Fest. It was good to chat with them. Saturday evening, after the wedding, I ended up at Rich and Cil's house. It had been months since I had seen them but it felt so comfortable and natural hanging out with them. Not like I was a 'guest' visiting from hundreds of miles away. Hard to describe what I feel when I visit with them. Ah, well. It was a good time. I'm glad I got to see them, too.

***

This past weekend seemed to be all about facing fears. Or, more specifically, the facing of one fear – driving to new or unfamiliar places. I have to tell you, it is exhausting. It is the one fear (phobia, perhaps) I have that I know I have and (when I can psyche myself up to it) that I regularly try to face down.

Saturday, I drove to David's house for the Masquerade LARP by myself. I had driven there once before but I had someone directing me. This was the first time. It didn't go too badly and for that, I am thankful. I was able to relax as soon as I got there. However, around 11pm, a couple of friends asked me for a ride home in Woodinville because their ride punked out on them. I asked them to make me their last resort and gave it a couple of hours. Sometimes I have to psyche myself up to face this particular fear and I need a little time. Especially if it involves driving somewhere unfamiliar in the dark.

I could hear them calling friends and having no luck. So, I alleviated some of my anxiety by asking Jim to come with me to Woodinville, then he and I could get some food and go home. Thank goodness he agreed. It's Ok if I get lost when I have someone else I like/trust in the car with me. We may be lost but we are lost together. It helps put me in problem-solving mode because I'm taking care of my companion by getting myself "unlost" instead going into hysterics because I'm lost and I have no focus. No, really. I get hysterical. The freak outs that Jim and Shane have seen are nothing. It's not pleasant. I don't like it when I get in that panicked state of mind. So, I do what I can to not get that way by having a Thomas Guide in the car, always having a full tank of gas when going into unknown territory and getting written directions.

The third drive this weekend was on Sunday to go get kittens from the King County Animal shelter. I've been there four times and each time I have taken a different way from I-5 North because I didn't want to go I-5 South, then to Denny Street. I realized that I was cutting myself off from a part of Seattle because of my fear. This time, I decided to take the way that Google Maps wanted me to go and face that heinous combo of I-5 South, and Denny Street. Once I did that, it turned out well and I discovered a few interesting places along the way.

I tell you though; it is hard to face this fear on a regular basis. It is exhausting mentally and physically. For someone like me who likes to believe they are relatively fearless in the grand scheme of things, it is irksome to be shown how fearful I can be. Maybe, someday, I will do enough personal brain-hacking to figure out why I have this fear and 'fix' it.

***

I have foster kittens now. They are all from one litter and are exceedingly cute. First are Simon and River. They are black and white kittens. Simon is curious, playful and very gentle with fingers. River is watchful and shy. She's the only one I have to dig of hiding to handle. Then there are the two gorgeous tortoiseshell girls Zoe and Kayley. I found Zoe climbing the screen in the window and Kayley, the tiniest of the bunch, keeps pouncing on Simon. Really, they named themselves once I decided on the naming theme.

The four of them are just wonderful to watch. Of course, I immediately remembered that kittens are stinky to my nose and I'm going to have to run out to get some smell pretties and to get a fan for the room so air keeps circulating. Also, I'm a little worried for the cords to Ron's equipment in the room. The kittens really like to hang out behind the TV. However, I haven't seen my roommate since before the weekend to talk to him about it.

It's good to have foster kittens back in the house but it also means that Esme is one big ball of furry grump. She hissed at me yesterday and spent much of her time sitting with her back to me. However, this morning at 3:30am, she decided she forgave me and wanted love. Then, again, at 5am and on until I go up. She is going to be interesting to deal with for the next few months.

***

For the record: Crushes are a pain in the ass. They really are. I mean, I like the feel of crushing on someone but dammit, they are inconvenient. I met some recently that I immediately liked. I want to get to know him as a friend because he seems like a super interesting person but this damn crush keeps getting in the way. It makes me over think everything and makes it hard for me to talk to him. Especially if other people are around – even if they don't know I'm crushing. Crushes make me feel even more awkward that I normally feel.

On that note, I will leave you with a favorite Eddie Izzard quote about crushes. "... I had to chat up girls and I'd only tagged them before and I didn't have the verbal power to be able to say, "Susan, I saw you in the classroom today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.'" But, no. At 13, you're just going, "'ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. (Smacking sound) Bye! I love you!" ..."

Tarot Card for the Day: The Magician, Inverted
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