Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,


Abstract Thoughts has been updated with Moments of Doubt - Even some of the most self-assured people have moments where they question their decisions.

June 17
Moments of Doubt

Ever since I had my first head explodie moment in May, my mind has been on overdrive where it concerns my Writing Year. I got the idea. I moved forward. I made plans. I got approval and support. Now, I'm in the waiting period before the Writing Year starts. I have had no doubts or quibbles about doing this Writing Year until recently.

Before I go on, I want to be clear; I -am- going to do my Writing Year. Absolutely am doing it.

However, recent emotional thrashing over the purpose of going to Gen Con has given me second thoughts about the whole thing. I suppose having second thoughts on huge, possibly life changing decisions, is a natural and healthy thing to do but it still sucks. I don't like doubting myself or my abilities. I don't like doubting my plans. But, I do it anyway.

Most of the recent emotional thrashing has come around the idea that going to Gen Con Indy is an excellent opportunity to "network" and to "smooze" with industry people. The idea of this gives me hives. I cannot imagine doing a face-to-face version of the cold call: "Hi, I'm Jennifer. I have credits in these books and co-wrote this one. I'm looking for more work. Here's my card. Call me!"

I just can't do that. I don't like to do things like that. I don't want to do something like that.

In the end, I decided that I just won't. I'm going to go, have a good time, meet my editors from Sovereign Press and my co-author. I'm going to meet up with my TEoP authors and have a good time. Maybe I'll get some gaming in. I will definitely get some drinking in. If people ask, I'll pass out my cards and TEoP cards. If this gets me contacts, all the better for me and anyone I end up working for/with in the future.

However, the end result of the Gen Con thrashing has me wondering if I should do some 'networking' during my Writing Year. I hate this idea but I'm smart enough to know that you need to have industry contacts. Fiction won't sell itself. You have some work to do where it is concerned. You need to submit your work to the right people. It needs to be read and accepted. It's a good thing to get your name out there.

On the other hand, the point of the Writing Year is to write. To just sit down and really write. I have so many stories to get out of my head. I need to get them out on the page and polished. Then, submit them. Do I need to do network and push my information during the Writing Year? Probably. At least a little and it won't be easy.

Of course, there is the voice of doubt sitting on my sinister side whispering evil nothings about my probable lack of skill, talent and discipline. Add in the voice of my mother cautioning to not give up too easily because it won't be a walk in the park. Suddenly, I'm wondering what the hell I am doing, thinking of taking 'a year out of reality' to write. Am I insane? Do I really think this will amount to anything except increased debt? Insert more doubts. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Despite these doubts (and maybe, partly because of them), I am still going forward. I have working towards this opportunity for years and now that it is within my grasp, I'm not going to chicken out. I've prepared for this for a long time. I just have to trust that when I leap off that cliff, my wings are going to open and I won't plummet but soar.

I was recently reminded of one of my favorite thoughts and it is giving me courage. "Every great oak tree was once just a little nut with a BIG idea." That's me right now and I'm feeling very nutty.


My Grown-up Moment for the day: For the first time in many, many years, I have bought a watch that costs more than $15. I am very hard on watches. Or, I used to be. I don't know anymore. I hope to goodness that I'm done killing them within a week or two. Mostly because I spent $80 on a pretty nice silver and black DKNY watch.

I didn't do it for vanity. I did it for my job. I have more meetings in a day than I used to have in a week at EED; half of which I am running. Since I'm also always running around from Lab to management to meeting to wherever, and I don't take my cell phone with me, I need the watch to keep up with my schedule.

Next challenge: Remembering to put the watch on.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Fool, Inverted

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