Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,


Abstract Thoughts has been updated with Forlorn - which is mostly about me being mopey. Feel free to skip.

July 8

You know a person is a writer when they comb through the dictionary in their mind looking for just the right word to explain what they are feeling because the words "sad" and "depressed" just aren't cutting it. I think I'm settling on the word "forlorn" because "sad" is too generic and "depressed" isn't right. Forlorn: A feeling of unhappiness or sad and lonely because of isolation or desertion. It's not exactly right but it is close enough.

A lot emotional splats have hit me all at once, and while I know they won't affect me for long, they are really taking their toll right now. Most of it has to do with friends and socialization: friends moving, wittingly callous words said to me, possible drama on the horizon, some friends fighting with each other, missing various people and other such things. Even my RP characters are getting slapped around in one way or another and most of that is my own damn fault.

All of this is making me want to mimic a turtle: ducking inside my shell until I sense that all possible danger has wandered away. Not exactly possible but very enticing since I've hit that ugly moment of severe self doubt, where I think stupid things, become very defensive, grow thin-skinned and find myself eating for comfort. I probably will be limiting my socializing in the coming weeks because of all this.

I'm not really depressed. Mostly, I feel sad and a bit disconnected from everyone. I do not seem to understand why some people are acting the way they are or how to connect with them to understand their feelings. This makes me feel isolated. At the same time, I do not feel I have the patience to do the work to understand what is going on around me right now. Thus, I do not understand and thus, I feel more isolated. It is a vicious circle.

I am hoping a little downtime, extra sleep and packing books will help with this over the weekend. I am good with small, distinct tasks right now. It is all I seem to be able to concentrate on. Otherwise, it is too much. Too distracting. Lights are too bright these days and sounds are way too loud. Maybe, I'm getting too much stimulus and I just need to hunker down in a good book for the weekend.


I have started my new job now. So far, so good. Beyond the usual chaos of it being the first week, it has been interesting. I am still getting used to a product that sells for more than $100k (which is considered a small order), that comes with consultants and only needs to sell less than 100 copies to be considered a success versus a product that is going to sell millions of copies world wide and one needs to pretend the users are stupid when one tests the product. All this makes for some very interesting discussion when it comes to things like usability, security and globalization.

I have gotten my feet wet and done some testing on the Installer. In short, it is not ready. Between me and another tester, we came up with 30+ bugs in less than 30 minutes. It is nice for my boss and virtual boss to be impressed with the level of testing in such a short time. I've also been put on the committee for finding a new bug tracking system and a new test case management system. I will be doing some serious research on this next week.

Another good thing about my job is the commute. In the morning, it is usually no more than 10-15 minutes in. Going home, it is usually about 30 minutes but as I am driving right next to Lake Washington through downtown Kirkland, it is a very pretty and relaxing drive. I like to watch the water. Of course, this makes me long to rent one of the fabulous lakeside apartment which are, of course, well out of my price range. Still, it doesn't hurt to drive around and see if I can find someone renting out their condo or subleasing their apartment for a good price.


On the writing front, I have made some actual progress and this makes me happy. I have accepted two new stories for the Grants Pass anthology and I am seriously considering a third. Also, for Kendrick, I have laid out some much needed foundation work and discovered a new (to me) religious group I can use as part of one of my conspiracy groups. It looks like all is well and I now know enough of Kendrick's history to write the stories intelligently.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Swords

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