Paranoia and That Girl
As if rage were not enough, I now have a healthy dose of paranoia to go with it. I thought I was keeping a decent enough handle on it until a couple of days ago when a friend and co-worker dropped a bomb on me about the crap that she had been going through at work that I had had no clue of. She had kept it quiet because of personal reasons and because she knew I would freak. She was right. I did freak for various reasons.
This freaking out about my job possibly being in jeopardy has led my mind on a merry chase through hell for the past couple of days. My condo assessment is in full swing and that makes my house payment with the HOA dues over $2k/month. This bothers me a lot. It means that I -must- bring in a certain amount of money every month just to survive. Money always bothers me. I don't like having to worry about it. I hate having to worry about it.
My mind spun through the possibility of me having to move to a smaller, more affordable place but, with the assessment that must be paid off if I sold this place, my condo's value is less than what I'm paying for it and I would end up in the hole. I think. I don't know. I would have to call my fabulous real estate guy to know. But, I don't want to move. Not at all. I like where I am. I like all the space. I like having room for kittens and guests.
The other possibility was that I could get a room mate to help with the house payment. That is a touchy situation for me. I don't think I would be willing to rent out a room to someone I didn't know. There are few I can think of that I could deal with living here with me. I'm kind of set in my way. They would have to be mostly loner types who enjoy online games or writing or something that would not involve them being around me a lot while, at the same time, enjoying the occasional conversation and/or dinner together. A lot to ask.
Or, I could just go on as I am, muck with my budget and hope for the best. I'm not sure I like this idea. But, one thing is certain, I hate the fact that I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of losing my job. I had been happy with Patrick. Now, with my new boss, I've been doing well. At least, no complaints. I feel very fortunate not to have gotten anyone else. However, this whole situation has really rattled me a lot. It's making me rethink my career at Microsoft again. Man, I hate this stuff.
Because of my recent crappy mood, I have invented a little game I play with myself in order to cheer myself up. I call it, "That Girl." Whenever I go somewhere, walking through the building at work, walking outside for exercise, going to the grocery store, etc... I pretend I am That Girl. You know, the girl who is the focus of the movie, the video or the commercial. The girl who walks in slow motion that everyone stops to look at. The girl that everyone wants to be with or be like.
In my mind, I pretend that I am That Girl. I slow my pace down and lengthen my stride. I put on my "I have a secret" smile and I blink my eyes slowly as I turn my head from side to side, sweeping my gaze across my stage, looking for something interesting. I let my hips sway enticingly; I glance at people, looking them in the eye and acknowledge them. I am That Girl and everyone else belongs to my background set pieces. Occasionally, one of the extras is highlighted when I have to interact with them.
It doesn't matter what I'm That Girl for: a video, a montage sequence in a movie, a commercial for what I'm wearing, drinking or doing. I just am That Girl. When I have my iPod going, the song is my soundtrack and fits into the fantasy in my head. My pace moves in time with the music and the story morphs to fit the words. I pretend people want to know what I'm listening to, smiling about, thinking, where I'm going.
Sometimes, it surprises me how much this cheers me up. It's even better when people do respond to me. People in the hallway wonder what I'm up to and/or grin back at me. People on the street or in cars wave at me. They make me feel like That Girl and it's awesome.
Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords, Inverted