April 16, 2005
I had one of those profound moments recently. Profound moments are truly a rare thing for me. I can think deep and odd but it is rare that I realize something that shakes me to the core. As I have been doing about once a month since I got my lap band, I weighed myself and recorded it. I noticed my current weight and made a note next to it.
2004.11.14 - 313 / 00
2004.12.14 - 305 / 08
2005.01.14 - 301 / 12
2005.02.14 - 297 / 16
2005.03.14 - 293 / 20
2005.04.13 - 287 / 26 (This is the lowest I got on the 20/20 program. 323-287, 36 lbs.)
Suddenly, after I wrote that note, I realized I have not been under that weight since I broke my leg in October 2000. In fact, I did not honestly remember the last time I was under 287. I'm guessing it was in 1997 or 1998. Maybe. That meant for every single pound I lost from this moment on would be the lowest I had weighed in 5-7 years.
For those of you who have not really had a weight problem nor been emotionally tied up in your weight, it is hard to explain to you the conflict of emotions I feel right now. The fear I have of the scale. The belief that this physical, emotional, mystical barrier of 287 will continue to be so for the rest of my life. All of the work I have done to this point will be for naught. Yet, on the same side, I am hoping against hope that this time the barrier will fall and I will see that nigh impossible number of 280.
It's almost like I'm daring the lapband to suddenly stop working or my body to rebel or something. I feel like laughing and crying. Like I can't seem to make up my mind as to what I want. If I break the barrier, there will be no more excuses. If I don't... I don't really want to think about that. I just hope in the next couple of months, I can laugh at my silliness and celebrate breaking the barrier.
Interesting dreams again. The Choice - I got to visit my friend Ice in DC. He wants me to help him play a game. It involves a live action assassination game in a hotel where, like lazer tag, you can take multiple hits.
Speaking of dreams, my work on my dream tome is slow but steady. I have transcribed all of 1997 and I'm working on 1998 now. You know, I'm a wordy wench. One typed paragraph often ends up being half a page in the tome. I'm not used to hand writing anything. So, this is quite the project for me. Fun though. I do like it. I just have to take frequent breaks to rest my hand. I can't really imagine hand writing out a novel.
The writing front is looking good if a bit crunched. I'm very happy with the direction that my alternate Krynn has taken and a lot of thanks goes to Hans who did some brainstorming with me. I even named an important character after him, Johannes Stirn. I named Johannes' successor after Hans' brother, Albert - Albrecht Vogt. I had a lot of fun completely reworking Kyrnn's history, creating new nations and destroying a couple of islands. Now, I'm onto places of interest and people of interest. If I can keep up a regular number of words a day from now until the 24th, I'll be doing well.
I've been asked if I would be interested in forming the nucleus of a new writing group. I am very interested. This morning was the perfect sort of morning to wander over to a coffee shop like Victor's and hang out with other writer types working on our respective projects. It made me really miss Dana Street café this morning and the crew that I knew there. Victor's isn't as homey as it could be yet. Yet. I hope, one day, it will be.
The only real problem I see with writing groups is the fact that writers, on a general basis, have huge egos and have a hard time accepting critiques. I'm included in that. I'm getting better at it but sometimes, it is really had to deal with other writers. I suspect, as a published author, there will be more expected from me in both my writing and critiques/advice than the rest. I like this and I don't. It's hard to explain. It forces me to work up to my potential but it puts pressure on me. People who know me know that, sometimes, I'm not the easiest person to work with. I have high (sometimes unrealistic) expectations and I'm often disappointed when they aren't met.
Still, getting into a writing group on the West Side might do me some good. Pull me out of my comfort zone physically, mentally and professionally.
Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Swords