Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,
Jennifer
gaaneden

Updated...

Abstract Thoughts has been updated with Hating Fear - which is about a tough subject for me.

April 6
Hating Fear

I hate being afraid of something. It is worse when I am so afraid of a concept that I refuse to think about it. A few months ago, I got the lap band put in. While I have been losing slowly and surely, but not as well as I should be. The doctors noticed it. They noticed that I'm not eating healthy and I'm not exercising even though I like to exercise. I often have the urge to do so but I don't. They asked me to start seeing their psychologist once a month. Last Monday was my second appointment.

It is very clear to me that while I do like the psychologist, I really don't want to talk to her about what's going on in my mind. I made plans to go shooting with Ben on Monday night and, apparently, reassured myself twice in front of him that I did not have a therapy appointment. But, by Sunday, I remembered it and had to cancel the event. I felt horrible about it. Like a flake. Like the kind of person I hate to deal with. I was also very disappointed because I haven't gone shooting in a long time.

Instead, I went to talk with the doc. To talk about why I was sabotaging myself. Why I was afraid of losing weight. This sort of talk sucks. Especially when I wasn't even aware of what I was doing or why. Yeah. Like many people, I have had some unpleasant things happen to me in my past. I thought I had done pretty well with dealing with it all. I guess not.

I suppose I already knew that when I was making my second appointment and that's why I didn't want to go. I didn't want to seem petty, whiny or weak. How I hate that word. I hate it almost as must as I hate being afraid. So, I face my fear, dammit. I face it full on and ponder what to do about it.

I am afraid of losing weight because I am afraid of how people will treat the new me. If I lose weight, will I be more attractive and then have to hurt people I'm not willing to be romantic with? If I lose weight, will people hate me for it if I become a more classically known pretty girl? If I lose weight, will anyone even notice? Will I lose my friends because they don't like the new me? Will I like me better?

I have used my weight as a shield ever since I was forced to leave (was rejected by) the Air Force. I have used my weight as a barrier from getting close to people because they might hurt me again/too. I am very good with people at an emotional distance. Some who get closer slay me with their words every day without realizing it and I wish the barrier to get thicker. Sometimes, I'm successful. Sometimes, I'm not.

Yeah. I have a bit of a problem here. Facing it really sucks.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords, Inverted
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