The Big D Word
I've realized that I've hit a really bad depressive cycle. I realized it last week Friday after the second morning of waking up from violent and unhappy dreams on my way to work while I was listing my litany of woes and unhappiness...
... I don't want to go to work because I hate automation work and I don't like the fact that I'm losing Patrick as a boss... I don't want to go out to the movies with Will and Cyn because the movie will probably suck... I don't want to go to Crimson Dawn because I'm tired of thinking for everyone and I'm sure this is going to be one big combat-fest where Ximena has her ass handed to her yet again... I don't want to go to the Norwescon thing on Sunday because I'll be tired, it takes all day and I'm not smart enough to do it...
Somewhere in there, my little inner watchdog went, "Hey... These are some of your favorite things. Why are you so unhappy about them? Oh, wait a second. You don't want to go to things you love. You are exaggerating problems, you're always tired lately and you are beating yourself up over stupid things. Lass, you're depressed!"
Well, shit. Maybe I am. Crap. I haven't been depressed like this since about 2000. Ok. I know what I need to do to deal with it. Exercise more. Hell, just exercise. Eat better. Get to sleep at a decent hour. Eat spicy foods. Go out and be with people anyway. You'll feel better. So far, it's working. I really enjoyed Constantine with Will and Cyn. I had a really good time at Crimson Dawn. I wasn't stupid at the Norwescon training. Just super tired and kind of bitchy. Though, I tried to keep a hold on my tongue.
So, I know enough to know that something is up. I even know how to treat most of the symptoms naturally - exercise, diet, sleep and patience. But, I don't know the cause of the sudden emotional drop. I know it is not just the post convention blues. I know I should be looking for and treating the causes of this instead of just dealing with the symptoms.
In the meantime, I realize I'm a lot more impatient, snappy and generally bitchy than I should be. I'm really trying to keep a handle on it. It feels like I'm constantly in that 10-15 minutes after I've received bad news. I have to stop and breathe before answering anyone on anything so I don't undeservedly bite anyone's head off. I think part of the frustration is not having a specific thing/person/place/enemy/etc to point at and blame for how I'm feeling right now.
So, that's the current state of Jennifer. Depressed. Knows it. Working on it.
I'm looking at some of my writing projects. I've got my Kendrick series that is a lot more organized now. I really should start actually writing on these stories now. I think I have most of the research for them done. I just have to figure out how I'm going to design the town. I'm still looking for a tool to do the designing.
Next up is Grants Pass. I've just accepted my fourth story for it and spoken to two named authors who will give me an answer on whether or not they will write for me by the end of March. I still have some editing to do on the final story of the anthology but there is progress on it and that makes me really happy. I'm hoping that some of the other people who said they would write for it will do so. *cough*RoryJimStacySeanDavid*cough*
Of course, there are my two languishing projects: Gosstiny and Regresser's Evolution. I swear. If I could just have some concentrated time off, away from everyone and everything, RE would be finally finished and the Gosstiny universe would be a hell of a lot more fleshed out. But, as I don't and won't have that time off, I need to find a better way to get working on these. Or, perhaps, these two will just be my forever projects. They will be something to think about when I'm not working on something for Sovereign Press, my anthology or Kendrick.
Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords, Inverted