Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,
Jennifer
gaaneden

Updated...

Abstract Thoughts has been updated with Post Convention Blues - which is about some random thoughts and a whole lot of emotion. This is kind of a splat.

February 24
Post Convention Blues

The week after any long convention, I almost always suffer from the post-con blues. As Bill puts it, "I guess it is hard to go back to reality after all that fun." I don't know if that is the reason for my post-con blues or not but I do know that ever since I moved to Seattle, my post-con blues have become a lot stronger and a lot more rollercoaster emotionally. I guess it is because I really miss certain people that I no longer get to see on a daily or weekly basis.

Whatever the reason, this episode of post-con blues is hitting me really hard. Perhaps it is because I'm coming off my cycle or because of the full moon or all of the above but I have been bouncing from the edge of tears to the edge of mania since I got back. It's like suffering from a speedy version of being bi-polar. I'm trying to sit on my emotions and keep them from flying off the handle but I'm not always so successful. So, it looks like I'm going to have to write out some of my thoughts to get them out of my system.

That all said... there is one good thing I can point out. Monte asked me about the current state of my heart and, for once, I'm not lusting after anyone, pining after anyone or hurting because of anyone. Wow! My heart isn't in pain for once and I almost missed it. Heh. Good thing I have good friends who point such things out to me.

***

Recently, I was pondering a couple of friends I got to see at DDC but didn't get to spend a lot of time with. I shared a room with Bill and that was a blast. However, we didn't really spend a lot of downtime with each other. A couple of meals, a little bit Sunday night after the Jedi LARP but, all in all, we really didn't see each other. But, he really made the convention for me. He was always happy to see me and asked how I was. He checked up on me a couple of times and generally was a good guy. I'm left with happy feelings but few memories. An odd thing for me, I guess.

I also got to see Johanna for a little bit and that was cool. We have had a long, if sometimes tempestuous, friendship spanning more than a decade now. When I saw her at this convention for the first time, she was in a black corset and long black skirt. She looked spectacular as usual and I noticed it. Sunday night, while she and I talked about perfumed oils, gaming and the like, I realized something astonishing to me. I wasn't jealous of her anymore. I didn't hate her for her beauty and charm anymore. I simply enjoyed it and enjoyed being with her. It was a startling revelation for me. I don't know if this means I'm growing up or becoming more at peace with myself or what. But, I really liked it. It made my visit with her that much more fun.

Finally, I got to see EricL. He and I have had a weird friendship. We're friends but we have had some spectacular fights. I remember one fight he and I had ended with him hyperventilating and me punching a hole in my bedroom wall. Another one caused me to tell him that I wasn't going to argue a rules call with him anymore because I had 6 other players in the room. This made him gather up his stuff and leave the game for good. We haven't fought in a long, long time. Last year's DDC was a return to us being friends again when I joined one of his games. Since then, things seem to have been calm and friendly between us. Not just polite. This year, I asked about the dice cards we used to use for the FLAGS LARPs we used to play. He made me a set to bring back up for the Heirs 2.0 game. He didn't have to but he did. I think we've even gotten over the wariness we used to have around each other. It was good to see him even if we didn't have a whole lot of time to talk.

***

I recently had an email thread going with Bill because I've been fighting off the green-eyed monster of jealousy and losing. First, I have to say that I love running convention LARPs with Bill. I think he and I make a mighty fine team together. Our LARP, A Dance of Fate, was a rousing success and that made me very happy. We both put so much work into it and we saw that it was noticed and appreciated.

However, I am starting to feel extremely jealous and frustrated at the number of people who keep complimenting Bill on "his LARP" instead of complimenting Endless Adventures on "our" LARP. Between that and the act of god it seems to need to get me put on LARP GM Consortium email list, I am starting to feel very unwanted, useless, stupid and ignored. It makes me wonder why I put so much time and effort into the LARP in the first place and why I should do it again.

Granted, Bill has done everything he can do to get people to recognize that he is no longer a one man show and I know it is it going to take time for people to get to know us as Endless Adventures. But, in the meantime, I'm getting my emotional toes stomped all over by people in cleats. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

***

Oh, yeah. Here's one for the psych books. I was talking to a friend online yesterday and in the middle of the conversation he said, "I've always known you were beautiful." I burst into tears. Partly because this is a close friend I have missed a lot since I moved to Seattle, partly because he doesn't give fluff compliments and partly because it was so utterly unexpected that I really didn't know how to deal with it. Thank goodness for being able to close my office door.

At this point, I'm still not quite sure why I was (am) so unable to deal with such a compliment. Maybe because I have a hard time seeing myself as "beautiful" sometimes. Maybe because I wasn't fishing for the compliment. Maybe because of whom it was from. I don't know. I'm still trying to think through it without much success.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords
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