Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,
Jennifer
gaaneden

Updated...

Abstract Thoughts has been updated with Winter Solstice - which is about some thoughts based on my darker side. Not evil, just slightly broken.

December 21
Winter Solstice

I am now into my two week vacation and, as of yet, I don't really feel like I am. Maybe after today it won't feel like just a long weekend to me. Also, it looks like I will not be hosting an orphans Christmas. The person I was hosting for cancelled, the other person is still iffy and the final person who expressed an interest has kids and my place is not kid proofed at all. So, it looks like I will be going over to Rory and Cheryl's place for their butt-numb-a-thon to watch the Lord of the Rings cycle - extended editions, of course.

***

As today is the day of the Winter Solstice and the longest night of the year, I am indulging in a bit of introspective thoughts on the darker side of me. I figure, if I can face them during the darkest time of the winter and at least acknowledge them, as the light grows, I can face them to either accept them or work on shifting out of the dark. It is not an easy thing to do for me.

A few weeks ago, in passing, Ben said to me "Your OCD is showing." I remember laughing about it at the time, 'knowing' he was joking. [OCD = Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.] However, ever since then, I have noticed some of my odd habits. I have a pair of light switches in my hallway. Both must be up or down. I cannot abide by one being up and the other down. I don't know why. I just know is. I will walk up my stairs in the dark before I will allow one switch up while the other is down.

It is a mild OCD. But it is there, when I drive or am a passenger in a car. If I know I have to turn left or right, I have to get into that lane immediately - even if the turn isn't for 2-3 miles down the way. This is especially hard on me when I'm a passenger. Leigh-Ann drives us to Rikki-Rikki all the time but she rarely gets over into the left hand lane until we have passed 405. This freaks me out, making me think we aren't going to be able to get over in time, but since she is the driver, I squish my irrational thoughts and let her drive.

I have more examples of this mild OCD but I don't think I need to mention them all here. I just have to acknowledge that it is here and it is something I need to watch for. Also, to realize that it is not a debilitating condition now and will not be one as long as I am aware that it is happening.

The other thing I am coming to realize is that I do not know how to relate to my friends' children. There have been only two men in my life that have ever made me want to have children: Chris, who broke my heart into a million pieces and Yony, who I left behind in CA when I moved to Seattle for my job. Now that I am out of the influence of that particular male pheromone, I am finding myself less able to deal with children.

Last night, I went out to Rory and Cheryl's for the Yule celebration. Rory had written a lovely ceremony that I felt, unfortunately, was ruined by their oldest son and his need to be heard. I am very interested in the ceremonial work that their coven does but I cannot handle the deliberate interruption from one of the children. In this particular ceremony, it was designed as a kid friendly ceremony. The three youngest were really quiet cute and that I actually enjoyed their participation. It was the constant interruption from the oldest correcting his father that upset me. It made me so angry, because in my eyes, it was a deliberate disrespect to his father and to the religious ceremony going on. However, as he is not my child, I have no right to say in how he should be raised.

I think my impatience with children today is from the way I was raised. I grew up in a -very- strict household. You did as you were told. You did not back talk. You did not interrupt. You were not disrespectful. Ever. If you broke the rules, you paid for it with spankings, groundings and extra chores. You were well behaved and well mannered. I remember hating my parents for all of their rules and wishing they were more loving. But, now, as an adult, looking back, I can appreciate what they did and why they did it. Though, I suspect in this politically correct day and age, their strict rearing techniques would be looked up as child abuse.

But, this still leaves me with a problem I do not know how to deal with. How do I deal with other people's children? It is easy enough to ignore the children of strangers and to have the patience of "I will never have to see you again." But, when it is my friends' children, I will see them again and how I act will make an impression on them. They want to talk to me, to get my opinion, to test their boundaries against me. I don't want to feel like some old child-hating biddy but nor do I have the patience to be disrespected by a child I cannot ignore nor discipline.

***

On the interesting side, as I face my darkness, I have discovered that I am no longer as afraid of being alone again nor am I as concerned about my body image. I still have issues with both but they are not the main factors in my life anymore. Granted, I am still relearning how to eat and such but there is a sense of security there. Also, I am still hoping to find a special someone but I am less concerned about it. There is more of a sense of "what will be will be." Though, tonight, I will be putting my call out to the universe for what I would like to happen in my life.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Cups, Inverted
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