All Filled Up
It is seven weeks since I had my lap band surgery. I had my first fill on Tuesday. I've spent the last two days relearning how to eat. This is not an easy thing to do. Old habits are hard to break. It's kind of like relearning how to walk. Usually, you don't have to think about it as you do it. Now, eating is something I have to really pay attention to. I can't drink anything while I eat nor for the 30 minutes afterwards. I have an extremely small stoma (upper stomach pouch) and I can eat only very limited quantities before I get full. 1/2 - 1 cup of food total. I'm currently closer the 1/2 cup size.
The problem with this is two fold: 1. It's hard to remember that my eyes are now literally bigger than my stoma. So, the much smaller portion sizes look too small. 2. The "I'm full" feeling isn't the same as the normal "I'm full" feeling. It's a different sort of pressure that sits at your sternum. If you don't notice it or don't listen to it, the next bite or two of food turns that pressure into a pain, about the size of a solid boiled egg, that just sits there. It is a sensation unlike any other and MAN, I hate it. So, I'm getting really good about eating slowly and chewing my food well.
However, this also means that I do still get occasionally hungry... for about 2-3 bites of food at a time. Do you know how hard it is to get fresh food that you can eat only 2-3 bites of, then put away for 2 hours until you want another 2-3 bites? Not so easy. But, I'm coping. I'm learning to drink a lot before I eat so I don't get thirsty immediately after eating. Also, I'm getting stuff like string cheese or small "serving size" bags of peanut butter crackers or just natural peanut butter or packaging up small amounts (no more than 3 oz) of meat for easy eating. Ideally, I will have three small meals and two small snacks a day, evenly spaced out.
I know I have more habits to break and not all of them are physical. There are some 'comfort eating' habits that need to go the way of the dodo bird. I can't eat until I'm "pleasantly full" anymore to get that satisfied feeling. There is no pleasantly full. There is pressure. Then, there is pain. That's it. I'm going to start keeping up on my weight weigh-ins again on a weekly basis now. Maybe I'll do a monthly check in now that I'm all filled up.
After the last Crimson Dawn game, I've decided the next vampire character I play is going to be an extremely beautiful, rich and oblivious Toreador who was embraced solely for her looks and her money. Oh, I know she will have some redeeming value. I just haven't figured out what it will be. Perhaps, I'll make her a total influence whore and that's it. Someone who tells other people what to do for her but not someone who gets into the mix of things unless it is a social mix with the right people. It will certainly be a change of pace for me.
Don't get me wrong, I had a blast at the last game. I'm just terrified that my Malkavian adventuress has become the tactician of the group. Sometimes, it's really hard thinking up what the court needs to do to deal with the mad Doctor Harris (Moreau) or to do to stop/solve the Ripper (Cthulhu) murders. Thank goodness she has Percy to look to when she gets unsure of things.
I have to tell you, I am so looking forward to my upcoming vacation. The office is quiet with a lot of people already on vacation. I'm getting all my work done, but I'm really dragging my feet going to work. I have a petulant four year old in my head stomping her feet and shouting, "I don't wanna!!"
Sometimes, I ask myself what else I want to do and the answer is always "Write! Something. Anything." Yet, when I get home, I just stare at the monitor. My muse has fled. Or, maybe she's on vacation. Or just confused on which thing to focus on. The two things I should be focusing on, the DDC LARP and the NERO Seattle stuff, I don't want to focus on. Everything else just gives me a half-hearted "Pick me!" wave that is easy to ignore.
Part of me just wants to "not write" (hah!) for the rest of the year. Then, I read about stuff that other people, like Cherie Priest in particular, are saying about their writing and their successes and it makes me think "YEAH! I just got to put the final third polish on Regresser's Evolution, then I'll quietly beg her (the aforementioned Cherie) for information on agents." Then, RE languishes because I know I should be working on the DDC LARP and the NERO stuff... and in the end, nothing gets done.
Of course, part of me is just hoping for another contract from Sovereign Press. There is nothing like me writing for that editor of mine that gets me all enthusiastic. When I write on that stuff, I find I write on other stuff, too. Maybe I should go email my editor and see if there is something on the horizon for me.
Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Cups