"God Pounds His Nails"
Have you ever heard the pounding of a coffin nail being driven home on a dream? Or the shovel full of dirt being dumped on the grave of a desire you know you will never be able to have? I never did. Until today. There was always hope, an out, a way. No dream is ever barred from the person who wants it bad enough. It sucks when that kind of naivety dies. It sucks worse when it is personal.
I've spent the last week at home, recovering from surgery. I told myself that I would be productive during this time, too. I would write and I have. I've finished all but one part of my Dragonlance gig. I've read the submissions for my Grants Pass anthology. I've plotted out the next writing project. In short, I've led the life I've always wanted to lead (skipping over the pain of the surgery that is) and I've been really happy. I could really imagine myself doing it. Taking a year off to write and being successful at it.
Then, I got the paperwork for the assessment on the condo and I called the people I was supposed to call. It is a really high assessment as assessments go. My part of it is almost 20% of the value of my home. I called Zach, the mortgage guy, about it and his voice actually squeaked when I gave him the numbers. He doesn't think I'm going to be able to refinance my home in order to absorb the whole thing. I may be forced to go with the variable loan that the condo association was able to put together. This means it will cost me about $500 each month over and above what I am currently paying for my home now for the next seven years.
Pound! For seven years. Pound! An extra $500 a month. Pound! That makes my monthly house payment with my mortgage and my condo association dues over $2000 per month. POUND!
You hear that? The whimpering wail? That is my dream of writing fulltime dying a horrible, reluctant, reality induced death. Suddenly, I'm wondering why it was so fucking important to by a house. What is it that I'm going to get out of it? Sure, this would be no big deal if I had a partner to depend on but I don't. The only person who is going to take care of me is me and it sucks. But, I have to face up to this fact.
I am so upset, angry and scared right now.
Seven years. That seems like a lifetime to me. Suddenly, I'm wondering why I don't just sell this damn place and go back to renting for less than half of what it is about to start costing me to live in this place. Over $2k/month for seven years! I love this place. I love living here but Christ! I can't even imagine working in one place for seven years.
I know I'm panicking. Well and truly. Maybe Zach will have some good news for me on Monday but right now, I feel like my world is ending. Like I'm going to have to do something I don't want - get a roommate or move. Or, I don't know. I just know that what I'm currently going through is pretty damn awful. I don't want to give up on my dream but there is no way I can take a year off with that kind of monthly house payment. That's over $24,000 a year, just to live in my home. That's just insane. Hell, that's almost as much as my condo cost me.
(Calming down some.)
You know, when I first heard about the assessment, I didn't think it would be so bad since I was told it would be about a third of what I'm going to have to pay now. When the first round documents came out, the numbers didn't register. Now, they are. Boy, howdy... are they ever registering.
This whole thing is complicated by the fact that this is the second time this HOA has worked to do the much needed new siding and other upgrades on the complex. The first company who was hired did such a bad job of it that a bunch of places got damaged and the HOA had to sue. We won a settlement but now, on top of the siding and windows that need to be redone, all of the outer structural damage that happened to a bunch of the condo buildings has to be fixed, too. So, my home is fine (only outer damage, no interior damage like other places) but enough places got damaged by the first siding company that the HOA must fix them.
Granted, every condo in the complex is going to be worth a lot more when this is all done but in the meantime, things just feel super sucky. Maybe Zach will be able to work something out. He is a whiz at this sort of thing. Still, it's hard not to panic when I don't have someone to turn to who can tell me if this will be OK or not.
Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Cups