Stream of Consciousness
It was a rough day today. I'm tired. Everything is too hard, too bright, too loud. I couldn't listen to music on the way home cause of it. Every note stomped on a nerve. I needed silence. To a point, I still need that silence. I always have needed periods of silence and solitude. As much as I need companionship. Needed to hear his voice. I really wanted to hear it. I got 2 minutes and 29 seconds. Better than nothing and did cheer me up briefly before I just gave up at work on the day.
Work was just long, long, long. Failing to dodge randomizing grenades and blowing up servers. Boss put me in charge of nagging. For a grenade, not so bad, I guess. Just makes me the bad guy. Sorta. My team likes me. It was funny. I walked into Shilpa's office and said, "John gave me a task...." She interrupted me with, "Another one? What is it this time?" It made me laugh. But, it was still a long, long, long day after the meetings and physical therapy and stuff.
I had McDonald's for dinner. I needed it. No. I wanted it. Needs versus wants. I wanted that super full feeling. Comfort food. It did the trick. How something so bad for me can make me feel so sated, I'll never know.
I thought of Terry on the way home today. Something Shauna said reminded me of Nick which usually reminds me of Terry. But, I can't remember Terry's ex-girlfriend's name. That bothers me. Really bothers me. We weren't best of friends or anything but we were friendly to one another. She's moved on. Navy, I think. Married. I think. Why I can remember those facts but not her name bothers me. It makes me wonder what other things I've forgotten that I don't realize I have forgotten them.
I want to be remembered. I've completely bought into the Hallmark commercialism. I want flowers sent to my office for me on my birthday. I want roses on Valentine's Day. Maybe not red ones but I want them... and chocolate. I love "just cause" flowers and gifts. I love gifts. It's not that I'm greedy... well, maybe a little.... but it's that I'm remembered. Thought of. These things prove to me that I've been thought of. That I matter to you in your life. I guess, that's what's important to me.
You know, it's hard to type down everything you think. Some non-sequitors have a logical but none verbal train. Like "Mmm. Cookie." Or wincing at the brightness of the screen. Photophobia or something like that. Everything being hard and bright reminds me of Buffy's monologue to Spike about how she was in heaven and now, because she's alive again, everything is hell. I kind of miss the Buffy series. I did like it. I've liked some of the short stories about previous Slayers, too. I think the saddest one is about White Deer. The slayer accidentally killed by her own lover on Roanoke Island after she's killed off all of the vampires there, is turned into a white deer by a jealous shaman and hunted by her true love. She died in his arms.
It makes me think of true love and slayers. What if every slayer has one true love who is reincarnated for them in the same way that Slayers are called. What if because Angel's a vampire and it is his soul that is the true love, the gypsies cursed both him and the Slayer. Slayers cannot have true love again until Angel is dead - unless he falls in love with them like he did with Buffy. But, when Buffy dies, the next slayer will be condemned to a loveless life because Angel still lives. What a silly bit of fiction.
Oh, man. Fiction. I haven't written any stories at all this month. Too tired and worn out when I get home to be creative. That is a bummer. Maybe on my vacation if I don't sleep it away which sounds like heaven to me right now. You know, I've been trying to write about my birthday two days now. It was good. No flowers but a couple of wonderful phone calls, cards, my boss having the team sing to me, jewelry and taken out to dinner by Lori, David and Hans which was a lot of geeky LARP talking fun. Too bad it seems that we've talked Hans out of running a LARP because of that sticky problem of having to deal with people.
I want to LARP. *pause to pet the shoulder tapping kitty* I have lunch with one of the GMs of Crimson Dawn, the LARP I'm going to join after the first of the year. It sounds interesting to me and, bad LARP or not, I really need my LARP fix. I've missed it so much. More than I thought I would. Hopefully, meeting with the GM won't scare me or Lori off.
My eyes hurt right now. But, cold fingers feel good. Maybe I'll put a cold compress on my eyes after this. Give me a little break. I need it. No computer. No TV. Oh, wait. Tru Calling and Extreme Makeover are on tonight. I really love Extreme Makeover. It's like watching caterpillars become butterflies. I've always wanted to do that. To peel myself out of my skin to reveal my "true" self. The self I see in my mind's eye. Haven't you ever wanted to do that? Maybe it's just me. Torn skin. Reminds me of that horror story I have in my ideas folder. I really need to get to it in the next couple of months.
Sleepy time. God, I need a vacation. I'm going to start mine in just eight days. I suppose I can last that long now that I've put it in those terms. Only eight days. I have a lot to do in those eight days. Get my oil changed, pay bills, plot my course to Heather's house, get a key for Lori to care for Esme, call my doctor about the mail order only prescription thing. There's more I know. But I'm too tired to think of it right now. Tired. Close eyes. I think this is it for me tonight. Time to do a cold compress, relax, read book of Exalted Deeds and get ready to write up the review.
Tarot Card for the Day: The Devil, Inverted