November 15, 2003
There is sadness in Jennville today. A new company has taken over at Fast Forward Entertainment and Campaign magazine, the first magazine to publish my fantasy fiction and the magazine that had me contracted for the last two years for publishing my Hucked Tankard tales is going the way of the Dodo bird. Le sigh.
On the good side of things, Games Unplugged is still going strong and the new editor still wants me to do RPG reviews and articles for him. Also, he is considering a female gamer focused column as well. That bit of good but rather scary news is that while fiction is considered low priority, I will still be considered for it but, I will also be competing against the likes of Margaret Weis. That's scary, but what a coup it would be.
Interesting Dreamlines... recently: Sting Operation - I have the weirdest dreams sometimes. This dream involved a cowboy Middle Earth sting operation to stop the illegal ascension of the Donner Party. Starring me, Thea and Monte.
Recently, someone suggested to me that my recent loneliness and sadness was a "karmic" retribution for "the way I treated and hurt people in CA before I left." It was a really harsh accusation. It hurt. I hate hurting people. I always have. However, the fact that someone believes I karmically deserve to feel the grief and sadness that I am feeling over the loss of my home of 11 years, a bunch of good friends and someone I love very much, is scary.
I don't believe I deserve such animosity. I know my current emotional state is a natural part of the separation process I'm going through having just moved from one state to another, one home to another and (essentially) one job to another. I'm not the only one going through this emotional roller coaster either. (As a side note, if -anyone- says that Hans, David and/or Lori deserve the same such emotions in "karmic retribution," I will go toe to toe with them.)
The fact of the matter is, apparently, I hurt some people in CA by withdrawing from them before I moved. I didn't know I was hurting them and they never told me. I'm sorry they were hurt. That was never my intention but, at the same time, they never let me know what was going on with them so I could not stop what I was doing that was causing them pain. I have said it before and I will say it again, I have failed every mind reading course I have ever had. I can't stop hurting you if I don't know I'm doing it. So, while they had every right to call me on it, I have every right to ask, "Why did you wait until now? Why didn't you tell me then?"
To the person who said, "Why bother? It wouldn't have done anything to change your actions." I say this: You don't know that. You did not give me a chance. You made that choice for me by making the deliberate action of specifically not telling me what you felt. You have no honest idea how I would have reacted to someone pointing out to me that I was hurting them. You denied me and you chose to hang onto the hurt. There was no way for me to make amends and no way for you to let go. I'm sorry for your pain but it was your choice that made it that way.
Looking back on it now, I can't say that I would have changed anything I did if I had to do it all over again. [Well, I might have redone my mortgage over. *smile*] In any case, nothing sticks out in my mind as malicious or cruel - intentional or otherwise. I did what was best for me at the time and there isn't much more I can say about the situation. If you want to talk more about it with me, you may. If not, there is little more I can do or say.
My personal trainer is starting to get toppy with me now and I like it. (Yes, yes, I am a very weird woman.) Now that he's getting comfortable with me, he's becoming less shy about telling me what I need to do to get healthy. No more pussy-footing around for him. No sir. I'm only going into the gym twice a week? That won't do. The goal for the next two weeks is 4 to 5 times a week and for two of those, after a cardio workout, I need to do a full weight circuit as well.
Still drinking diet sodas? Sure, it's excellent that you have mostly dropped caffeine from your diet. You know, you won't be allowed any sodas on the 20/20 program. Diet or otherwise. Oh, and by the way, for that pain in your leg and knee, I want you to drop by physical therapy to have them checking it out - MS will pay for it, not to mention, because your blood pressure is so high, you need to have your doctor fill out this form for me to make sure she knows you are meeting with me outside of the 20/20 program. Great, I'll see you in two weeks. Oh! Don't forget to get yourself a heart rate monitor.
On it goes. His demeanor with me is still laid back but far firmer now. My next appointment with him is the 29th. I can tell you right now that I'm going to have all of this done and, if possible, I will drop my soda consumption to no more than one per day. Like Lori and David's cat, Mina, I am praise driven. It's nice to hear the praises from him.
Tarot Card for the Day: The Hanged Man, Inverted
Btw, my intent here is not to upset anyone. Just to respond. My gut instinct says that, most likely, anyone who is already upset at me for the perceived wrong will get angry at my thoughts. However, in this case, I believe it takes two to tango. If my actions are upsetting you, tell me. If you don't, I won't know and we won't be able to fix the problem.