Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,

  • Mood:

Push Back.

Every day is becoming a struggle not to hide again like I did last time I was hurting. It is different though. The differences include me not dealing with someone threatening to kill me and this time, I am recognizing the "blah" feelings, the lack of wanting to go out and the not wanting to do things with people for what it is: my weird isolationistic coping mechanism.

So, I'm specifically pushing back and doing those things I don't want to do...

1. Exercising. Yes, fat women are invisible in this society. My urge is to hide in my weight.

2. Writing about it. I have opened and closed LJ about six times today, thinking "No one will want to hear about that." Maybe they do and maybe they don't but I've got to stop denying this weirdness of mine.

3. Meeting new people. I had a good time meeting cadmus yesterday and tonight, I am going to meet the GM of a bi-monthly game I'm interested in. It's kind of on the spur of the moment.

There will be more things. I know I'm in that odd state of "I don't wanna" about everything. I guess I'm going to have a lot of pushing back to do.

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