Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,
Jennifer
gaaneden

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Abstract Thoughts has been updated with Bursting... in which something broke in me this morning.

November 8
Bursting
So, this blood pressure thing is a cycle. I have high blood pressure. It makes me worried. My blood pressure goes higher. I guess. I don't know. It's scary having a doctor tell you that you really are at risk now. I've been surprisingly healthy, despite my weight, all my life until now. I am going to do something about. I'm trying to, anyway. On the good side of things, I'm not having any side effects from the medicine. None that I can sense, anyway. That makes me happy. I just have remember to take it in the morning.
***

I'm really sad today. I didn't think I would be after the despacho last night. But, I am and I know why. As easy as it was to get along with those people, I'm just not one of them. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I don't know. The despacho ceremony was really interesting and I enjoyed. But... when people started looking at the despacho after it was packed up, they started commenting on "seeing" and "feeling" stuff from it. Pain, happiness, warmth. All of this stuff and I saw nothing. I felt nothing. It was just a pretty package, tied up with red ribbon.

I usually have some sort of sense of something. I can read people like books. I can sense emotions. But, here, this thing, it was a blank. Maybe, I'm just broken or something. The only time I felt something was when they did the wiping down with it and that might have only been because of the fact that the blanket was wool and being rubbed over people. I've always been sensitive to static electricity. I've shocked my poor cat lately more times than I want to think about.

I enjoyed myself at the ceremony. I really did. Until the end as I was leaving, a woman stopped me to murmur what I'm sure she thought were a few reassuring words about a situation that happened online a couple of days ago and I appreciated her attempt. I did. But, all it made me think was, "Well, crap, so it is going to follow me from online to here. So much for a clean slate in a new place." It made me really sad. It made me feel like things were futile, so why try.

I got home and really wanted to talk to someone. I called my CA sweetie but he had company over, so we didn't really talk. I don't begrudge him his company. I never have but, somehow, it brings home just how far apart we are and how things really aren't the same and won't be again for a long time... or maybe never. No matter how much I want them to return nor how much I miss him.

I couldn't even pet my cat because she was severely pissed at me for smelling like other cats. She bit me twice before I figured out that she was mad at me.

This is so weird. Twice, I've been together with this group and really enjoyed being around them but, when I've left to go home, I've felt that much more alone. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I'm still an outsider looking in or because I miss people from back in CA or because I'm not ready to be part of a new social circle. There are a lot of easy smiles and friends there. It does remind me of the Palo Alto and Fremont groups that I miss very much sometimes.

I just wish the pain and these tears would stop.
***

I wrote the above this morning in the middle of an inexplicable crying jag. I'm not kidding. I still don't know why I started or why it wouldn't quit. I got in the shower, thinking about last night. I wasn't particularly sad. Then, in the middle of my shower, I started bawling. No silent tears beautifully coursing down the face in the perfect pose of sorrow. It was full on red-faced, blotchy-skin sobbing. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I cried for about an hour or so.

I pulled myself together, trying to get mad so I'd have some other emotion in me instead of heartbreaking sadness long enough to call Hans to see if we were going to do lunch today, too. I guess I didn't do a very good job of reigning myself in because he asked me if I was ok. I paused, then told him simply, "No. But I will be." Then, got off the phone before the tears came again. This time, I did get mad. I promised to help Hans with his new (spectacular) TV and I wasn't going to cry all day, dammit.

After I got there, we talked about it a little once we went out to eat and had our bi-monthly, vague, "this is kind of hard but it's going to get better, some of our friends are moving up soon and thanks for being such a good friend" conversation before moving on to bigger and better things such a shopping at Fry's. I spent a lot more money than I expect there. But, cordless X-box controllers, two video games and a laser pointer aren't cheap.

I'm better now. Still a little sad. I think I will be ok. So, no interventions nor major worrying need be done. If you want to "help," the best way you can is to email or IM me and just talk. Be my friend and understand that there's so much going on right now that I'm dealing with emotionally that I might not be all ok all the time. It's not you. It's me. Really.

Plus, I just talked to my sweetie in CA and I'm feeling pretty good after that conversation.

I'm turning off comments on this post because I don't feel comfortable having public discussions about this because I'm still feeling raw. If you'd like to talk to me about any of this, please IM or email.
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