I think I'm maddest because I gave up after getting lost so many times. Maybe, if it had been daylight and I wasn't constantly being blinded by the fucking SUVs all over the place, I would have been able to continue on. I finally went home because I was so angry and so frustrated I couldn't think straight. I figured IF I ever made it to the bloody party, I'd be a little dark cloud of gloom because I was so tense and moody from the drive getting there. No one wants that.
I'm fighting off the urge to go on a tear about how much I "hate" this place. I don't hate it. Logically, I know this. I'm just frustrated at my lack of knowledge and absolute lack of anything resembling a sense of direction. Of course, my emotional side wants to tell my logical side to "Fuck off and die!" So, they aren't speaking to each other right now.
I feel like I failed tonight. I wasn't capable of doing something. I HATE that. I really do. I also hate the fact that everything seems to be a fucking mountain. There are no molehills. Everything is hard. Everything is a drama. Everything is over the top. When the hell do I get back to being a normal person again? When do things stop being abject failures or triumphant victories? I want things to normalize. I want things to stop being peaks and valleys.
I'm tired of this.