Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,
Jennifer
gaaneden

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Last of's...

I'm in a weird state of zen right now. I'm calm about everything. Too calm. I want to sleep. I think my mind has decided there is too much to panic about in general, therefore it is -not- going to panic. Period. This not-panic mode is the calm of the eye of a hurricane.

I've been doing a lot of 'this is the last time for...' lately. There's been no real emotional value to it. Mostly, it is a catalog for the future, I think.

This is the last time I...
... will enter this apartment that was mine for 15 months...
... will pay my $2 to cross the Dumbarton bridge (at least for a while)...
... will see my co-worker of three years...
... will have lunch at my favorite Mexican place (for a while)...
... will have a shake at Dana street while I screw around waiting for dinner with Jeanne...

The list goes on. Lots 'last of' things. But, my real sorrow only threatens to overwhelm me when I think about people in specific. Robert's laugh. Dana's water drinking. Jeanne's shyness. Erik's head hanging. Tony smelling of cloves. Rich's listening pose. Yony's "I love you." gesture. When I think of these little things, my heart stops, my throat closes and tears threaten to spill forth no matter where I am. Then, I take a much needed breath, let it go... and reach for something safer to think about.

I know I'm really going to need my box of kleenex Saturday morning.
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