November 10th, 2003


Push Back.

Every day is becoming a struggle not to hide again like I did last time I was hurting. It is different though. The differences include me not dealing with someone threatening to kill me and this time, I am recognizing the "blah" feelings, the lack of wanting to go out and the not wanting to do things with people for what it is: my weird isolationistic coping mechanism.

So, I'm specifically pushing back and doing those things I don't want to do...

1. Exercising. Yes, fat women are invisible in this society. My urge is to hide in my weight.

2. Writing about it. I have opened and closed LJ about six times today, thinking "No one will want to hear about that." Maybe they do and maybe they don't but I've got to stop denying this weirdness of mine.

3. Meeting new people. I had a good time meeting cadmus yesterday and tonight, I am going to meet the GM of a bi-monthly game I'm interested in. It's kind of on the spur of the moment.

There will be more things. I know I'm in that odd state of "I don't wanna" about everything. I guess I'm going to have a lot of pushing back to do.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah


Ok. Going to the gym after work sucks. It is far too crowded and people seem a lot more "projective" and aggressive in their working out. It was really intimidating. I think I'm going to go back to morning workouts. Also, princeofwands, dear, you have my utmost admiration for your ability to be on the elliptical for 60 minutes. Heck, anyone who can be on it for 30 minutes, also has my admiration. That thing is still kicking my butt. I haven't made it over 10 minutes, yet.

On the good side of things, the guy I met tonight was nice, personable, cute (very married) and seems like he'll be an excellent GM.
  • Current Mood
    sore sore