Jennifer (gaaneden) wrote,

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There are days when I just want to rail at the Gods for my situation with my weight. I have an awful lot of self esteem wrapped up in my looks, my weight in particular. Much less than I once did, but it is still there and prevelant in my life. Normally, I can deal with it in a sane and almost rational manner. Today, I couldn't.

I did something unpleasant to my knee yesterday. Really unpleasant. I'm not sure what but it has been wobbly and in pain off and on since then. Several times, it had that super sharp pain that caused me to have to wait until it realigned itself or whatever it needs to do to fix that.

So, I went to see the sports doctor I saw when I first broke it. This is probably one of the worst things I could have done. As before, my wait was hours and me seeing him was less than 10 minutes long. In that 10 minutes, he devastated me. He said, as he did for EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT I have ever had with him - even though it has been over a year since I've seen him - "Your knee is healing well but, because of your arthritis, you really need to lose weight."

I pointed out to him that since I last saw him, I had lost over 50 pounds so far and that I wasn't here for a regular check up appointment. That something had happened to my knee and I was concerned.

He seemed mildly surprised at my comment, looked back in the chart and hmphed. "Well, so you have. However, I'm sure you know it just isn't enough. You do need to lose more. That's why you're having problems with your knee now. So, I'm going to refill your perscription for Naprosyn. Stay off your leg as much as possible for the next 48 hours and continue on your weight loss program." Then, he got up and left.

I was absolutely stunned at his casual dismissal of the weight loss and the fact that he utterly ignored my concern for my knee, blaming the pain on my weight. I've been walking 4 to 6 miles a week for months now. I've lost the weight. I LARP on Friday nights which has me walking or standing almost continuously for 5+ hours every game... and the pain in my knee is solely because of my weight?

I went out to my car and started sobbing the moment I sat down. I stayed in the parking lot, crying, for a good 15 minutes because I knew it wasn't safe for me to drive in that state. I had been on Atkins for 18 months. I am dating a man who truly thinks I'm beautiful. I have had at least two friends get inspired to lose weight and to do so because I was on my program. I have dropped 2 clothing sizes and I am feeling a lot better than I was when I started. I look better. I'm more healthy... but none of that mattered.

I'm sure you know it just isn't enough. You do need to lose more.

That one statement just destroyed me despite all of hard work and advances I had succeeded at. This is just wrong but I don't know how to heal myself. I just don't know what to do.

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