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The Strangeness of Alone

Sometimes I do this thing where I choose a fear and face it. I don’t do it consciously at first. I usually realize what I’m doing about the second or third time I’m facing something that makes me uncomfortable and ask myself what the heck I’m doing.

It seems, my subconscious has decided to tackle my fear/uncomfortableness of being alone in public in a social way. I’m not talking about running to the bank or going grocery shopping, or even clothes shopping. I’m talking about going to a movie or going out to lunch or going to a book reading by myself.

I’m not sure where this fear of being alone has come from but I’ve managed to take myself to lunch and to go to a book reading by myself so far. I guess going to the movies alone is next.

I do know, after I have gone out and done something social by myself, I wonder why I was so uncomfortable with the idea of it. No one yelled at me or sneered at me being alone. I suppose it is one of those things that is somehow wrapped up with your self esteem. An older woman out alone. No one must love her. Such a sad soul to be pitied.

All such silly and stupid thoughts. I know many a happy hermit and being alone does not mean anything other than the fact that you are alone at that point in time. Nothing more, nothing less. And yet… and yet, I am still screwing up the courage to go to that movie by myself.

Sometimes, my brain is a funny place.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
sargon999
Apr. 16th, 2012 02:18 pm (UTC)
Social anxiety dear. You're not afraid of being alone, you're afraid of being OUT. It's not real fun.
strixluna
Apr. 16th, 2012 05:06 pm (UTC)
Brains are funny things. But brava for you to face your fears, whatever they may be!
melchar
Apr. 16th, 2012 07:12 pm (UTC)
...And peoples are raised to be social and trusting in a small group/with a small group. Going out alone means that you are unprotected and the hindbrain [that exists to not trust things and keep us alive ^_^] sees this as a threat .... and the body obligingly reacts by throwing chemicals into our lumbering bits of meat that help us get nervous.

[And yes, I totally recognize and have experienced these sensations. Being able to suss out the -source- of the discomfort doesn't always help the discomfort end. It -does- help to understand the 'why' of it, so counter-measures can be taken: breathing exercizes, relaxation - or just doing things to reassure ones-self.]
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )